All my love

This is  a song that's been on my heart lately.  In fact, I've never once been able to listen to it without crying... and I don't mean getting just a little teary, I mean a full-on sobfest where ever I happen to be (usually in the car).  Listen to the song, and then I'll tell you why it's on my heart:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARIe3PUgu84

The writer/singer of this song wrote it about his baby boy, who was born with a heart defect.  You can read his story here: http://bowensheart.com/

For Kristen: Kristen does not have a heart defect, but she's got a lot going on.  I haven't, and I won't go into a ton of detail about her past, or her current issues, but suffice it to say that you are not removed from your biological parents and placed in foster care for no reason.  If you are imagining the worst that could have happened to her, you probably aren't even close... So she (like anyone would) has a lot of issues that she is dealing with.  Some of those things she may be able to overcome, but many of them she probably won't be able to overcome.  Y'all, the teenage years have us scared to death for her.

We know that there will probably be a lot of heartache ahead with her.  Her future is very uncertain.  My mom says that we need to believe and hope the best for her, and we do, and we absolutely believe God is working a miracle in her life right now.  We are amazed at the progress that she's made just in the few short months she's been home.  However, we want to be prepared for issues that we might face in the future so that we're not totally caught off guard by them.  It's tough to balance.

That said, I have found myself in the past wondering if it's worth it to really invest the time, love and energy into her, just so that I can have my heart broken.  Y'all, there are tears for her daily around our home.  As I read my Bible, and I pray, and I listen to this song, I have realized that I have to give her everything I have, and every single ounce of my love, even if it's not enough.  It's the only way that she stands a chance...

For Sam: My miracle baby.  We didn't do a lot of testing, but we didn't think we'd be able to have biological children, and we were ok with that.  We'd tried for 2 1/2 years, and really thought that God wanted us to build our family strictly through adoption.  After a miscarriage in 2010, I really wasn't sure I wanted to be pregnant again.  That miscarriage absolutely rocked me to my core.  It took about a year before I was even close to "myself" again.  So when we found out we were pregnant again, we were thrilled, but my first thought was to keep it to ourselves, and not tell anyone until after the 1st trimester.  I thought if we didn't tell anyone, then it wouldn't be so real, I wouldn't get so attached, and it wouldn't be so traumatic if/when we miscarried.  However, this song taught me that I had to love this baby with reckless abandon. This baby is my child, just like the baby we miscarried, and just like Kristen.  Our pregnancy is not over, and I know that a lot could still go wrong, but I am not going to let that stop me from loving him with all I have.  If I don't, I know that I'll regret it.

God has taught me that I have no control over how he's growing and developing.  God is the one who is forming Sam in my womb.  I have to trust Him that He loves Sam more than I do, and that He is taking care of Him- just like He loves Kristen more than I do, and He's got her life under control.


There's so much more I could say about this, but God has really taken me on a journey of letting go of control, and giving that to Him over the past couple of years.  It's been rough because my OCD self wants things done a certain way, but it's been GOOD y'all.  It's been good.